Still Talking To Myself....Still No Answers

For some strange reason I've been reflecting on my past, and pondering my future lately, a little more than usual..not exactly sure why. Too much time on my hands, or is it an age thing? I really don't know why.

The things I seem to be reflecting on in my past is...Son (myself), Friends, Husband, Fatherhood, and being a Grandfather. I guess I've been asking myself if I've been good at any of them. I guess the only problem with this kind of analysis is that it's one sided...MY SIDE!

As a son I have tried to be honest with myself, and stood back to look at my memories, and I feel I was a pretty good one, and maybe I'm judging myself by today's standards...is that a fair assessment? I was never arrested for committing a crime. I can say I truly helped my parents out around the house by doing my chores: cut lawn, cleaned bedroom, washed cars, cleaned pool, did my own laundry(at the age I was taught..around 15yrs) Now I'm not trying to paint a picture of myself of being a saint because I wasn't, but I wasn't all that bad of a son (my opinion) heck I still visit my parents regularly, and never forget Fathers Day, Mothers Day, or their birthdays.

Friends....well I've had, and still have plenty. I think in this sense I've been really blessed. Like most relationships being close to someone for a long time takes a lot of work, but when it's meant to be...well...it's meant to be. I do not in any way shape or form mean to minimize the friendships that I now have, but there is one friendship I hold close to my heart above all, and that's with my life long friend Joe. We met when I was eight years old, he was my best man, and now that I'm forty nine we're still inseparable. I truly think of him as my third brother. I honestly can't count the amount of times we go to call each other, and right away we both have said I was just reaching for the phone to call you...(kinda like twins sixth sense.)

Husband... again, I'm trying to be honest with myself, and this is the one title I'm not proud of...why? because my marriage failed. I've been separated now for 12 years, and yes I think time has healed my wounds. Like all relationships we put our good foot forward in the beginning, and as time passes we slip into our true selves (you have had to be in a relationship to understand this one.)

Looking back in retrospect I ask myself what could I have done to improve myself as a husband...well the answers to that question would take to long (I'm sure my ex would agree), but I also have heard a lot of other couples complain about the things their spouses did throughout their marriages, and I don't find myself in their league.

The truth is... that a marriage takes a lot work, and I'm not proud at all that mine didn't last.

Fatherhood... this is a work still in progress, and will be till the day I die. Man!! I can't find the words to describe what it's like to become a parent. Today we have people dedicated to helping us all become better at this task, but the truth in my experience is there's just no perfect answers. I guess the saying we are a product of our parents is some what true. I mean all we have to go on is what we were taught before us by our own parents, and does this make all our decisions right...hell no! not by a long shot.

The lines of Frank Sinatra's "My Way" "Regrets...I've had a few"...when it comes to parenting...what an understatement. Any parent in their right mind will always find reasons to beat themselves up over not doing, or saying, or being there for all those special moments in their children's lives that can never be repeated, and for the ones I missed... I am truly sorry.

Grandfather... first thing I want say on this subject is I'm waaaaay to young to be one ;-) , but I truly wouldn't want to miss out on it. Perhaps it's still the father in me being stubborn, and not easily accepting the fact that I'm a Grandfather, or my baby girl is a mother, but that's a whole other can of worms, and I'm not going to open it..:-)

When I have the pleasure of having my grand daughter over for visits, and sleep overs, I can't begin to express the joy this brings me. I'm trying to decide if I can't help but to remember the short time I got to spend with my grandparents as a child, or if in the back of my mind I know she's not staying forever...LOL Honestly, I think it's because I feel as though I've been there with my own kids, and I feel like I'm better equipped to handle her needs. I think I've learned from my mistakes as a parent, and this really helps in the spoiling department as a grandparent.

I'm truly blessed that their all healthy, and I don't say that lightly.

As far as the future goes I really don't stress myself out about it, because the truth of the matter is there's just not much you can do about it. I mean what ever happens...happens.....right?

Damn more to think about......DOE!